Where I am now…
Last week was hard in terms of my personal life, and part of me is pretty happy I had not much time to deal with it. I still have few left over post to do, but this one is something I have been caring in my head for few days, like a burden I need to get rid off…like a poison I need to spit out.
I am currently maybe not happy, but contempt. I know what it feels like now. I am fully aware of gaps, opportunities and most of all the power of my decisions. I know who I am. As opposed to many people I meet or talk to I am very aware of my own strengths and weaknesses.
I also know how deeply you have disappointed me and how I do not feel anything for you – nor hate, nor fear, not disgust, sad awareness of superiority of mind and mastery over your own language…none of those emotions I felt while being next to you (never really with you!). You are trying old games to make me disappear not realising it is you who is gone since many, many years ago. You are trying to scare me, apologize, be kind and drop us in the mud – and it amazes me you build it all up in your head.
One thing I have learned from you is that people choose to be evil. I know many who were born under very difficult circumstances but decided to become better by overcoming difficulties. It’s not weakness of heart or mind – it’s simple, cold and calculated decision to be evil because it seems easier, it seems you gain more.
You are wrong and you know it. I am right, and I am happy to learn it.
I have decided to live and go on many times in my life, as I had my own challenges and stories. I never gave up on searching for a better, happier life simply because I respect it and the more I invest in it, the more I receive.
I was coming back from work of Friday listing all the wonderful moment life has blessed me with since the night I though I will never find a way out of your lies and my irrational fears - and until today I cannot stop counting them. I have seen most wonderful exhibition of Appleton art. I have walked street of Budapest visiting old friends, collecting their warm smiles. I have seen a sunset over Nile, followed by intoxicating evening in Cairo. I walked streets of Skopje market with kindest people ever. I celebrated Namedays, Birthdays, Easter and Christmas cherishing the peace, family and kindness. I was sitting at JustGiving Awards listening to Phil Packer, man who lost ability to walk – recovered – completed London Marathon and stood there in front of us overwhelming us with his words. I watched my son grow from initial few days of constant giggle just after you were gone – amazing, how this little man opened and showed his real, cheerful and generous nature!
Most of all, I have enjoyed his smile every single day and there is nothing more beautiful and inspiring than that single moment when his face brightens up in a cheeky smile.
Why? Because I made the choice to be free, to protect my own life and life of this little boy.
I could call you all the names you used to throw at me in fits of your projections, but it would be waste of my time. I have way better things to do. And you – you will always make easy, foolish choices blaming others for your own misery – which you build on every single day of your life. I am so lucky I had a snippet of that life to comprehend how more difficult choices of mine lead to genuine, real life. Life I intend to share with all the wonderful people who respect it and make the most of it.
So, you’re out!
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Strong words, but at the end I feel like telling you: well done! There are some decisions that take lots of courage. I can tell from this post you put that courage together. And that's not an easy task.
Saludos.
The best thing is that you are now ok with the life you are having and enjoying it.
Be well
Thank you, Gabriela! Sometimes courage almost seems like inappropriate word if you are actually convinced there is only one way – the right way;) but at the end of the day it is…so I hope that today is going to remind the world there are plenty of courageous women worldwide who make the right choices but also many who need support to be able to make those;)
Thank you!:)
Thank you, Gabriela! Sometimes courage almost seems like inappropriate word if you are actually convinced there is only one way – the right way;) but at the end of the day it is…so I hope that today is going to remind the world there are plenty of courageous women worldwide who make the right choices but also many who need support to be able to make those;)
Thank you!